Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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