He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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