Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
