Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
