Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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