I feel like abortions should bother me more
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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