Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
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I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
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now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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