Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
