I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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