she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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