Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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