When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
