i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
