my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
