i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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