barbara walters just said penis...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
