Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
