My hand turned me down
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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