I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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