Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
