If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
