your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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