Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
