I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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