I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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