it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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