Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
