my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
