my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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