I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
