I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Semen is not good for contacts.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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