when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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