It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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