i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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