I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
