I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
love makes seman taste better
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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