she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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