So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize