3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
