I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
