This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
