She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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