2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
