Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My penis needs a shock collar
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
