For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
