Plan B is the new Plan A
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
