Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
