Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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