i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
