my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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