Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
