I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
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we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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