Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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