You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.