Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
