It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
